Night moves

Gold Coast, Australia. Sometimes when the world is overwhelming, I just want to crawl into my corner, wrap myself and my thoughts in my sheets. No energy needs to be expent, I can lay sleepy and safe.

But sometimes, that same linen cocoon is capable of injecting powerful illusions into my little psyche. The outside world ceases to exist, but the beings of the world upstairs begin to roam and play. I shudder at the beliefs they conjure, interweaving them into the fabric of my identity so that I don’t know what is true or not. People, their entities that exist in my mind, begin to threaten me, even though shortly before they hugged me and told me they’ll see me soon.

Even though, even though, I know, I KNOW everything will be okay, my heart seizes, and I fight the surrender of my heart to my own conjurations. My heart belongs to me, but to who do the menacing thoughts belong? Are they not me?

I KNOW I can choose to not accept them. Sometimes though, especially in my soft little safe haven, when the rest of me is resting, those thoughts take advantage of the quiet and amplify.

There was a point in my life where I dreaded the nights because I would be trapped in a horror from dusk to dawn. The chaos of the outside world provided structure and I preferred to be overwhelmed than struggle silently in the dark current.

It took a lot of work, a lot of loving and losing, but I’ve found a peace. It’s not the peace I imagined, I thought I’d have a glassy lake, shiny and clear. But instead my peace is the ocean. The ocean differs from day to day. The sun always rises over it, but the colours are so dazzlingly different. I found a peace in the fact that the ocean is always there, and the sun continues to rise, but to not fight the currents that take you to places you never expected.

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